Academic Skeptic Gifts

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'And I see you have a degree from the University of Wikipedia...'

'Does it occur to you that seeking career and personal fulfillment at university is the plot of some mad scientist?'

'I'm what you can't learn at Harvard Business school.'

"Welcome to the future"

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

Politicians are from Uranus.

Alternative Medicine

"God works in mysterious ways."

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"I removed the AI software from your computer and I can see now that you're a blithering idiot."

"If your dad is truly the King of the Jungle, why can't you ask him to abolish school?"

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Can I help it if she's a rotten teacher?'

"That's what I get for using artificial intelligence."

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

'Why does everybody tell lies about me?'

"For a list of the ways artificial intelligence is killing your job, please press one."

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'Who should be contacted in case of an accident? Why, 911, of course. And these people are going to be teaching my children.'

AI Threat to Democracy

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"I totally meant to do that."

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."