Academic Irony Gifts

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

Oedipus

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

'Sigh - Yes, I will probably be dying alone.'

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

"Hi! It's me...I've gone off the rails"

'Ma, have you been reading my textbook?'

'I was just checking your records, Kleinzweck, and you have a Ph.D.. in pseudoscience!'

'We have to retract that article. One of our co-authors is the night watchman.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

'City workers to retrain as teachers.'

"Listen Smith, I don't care if the older boys are picking on you or not, you have to come into school - you're the deputy head for goodness sake!"

"...he wanted it 'sexed up' before he could publish it..."

"Peer review is getting tougher and tougher."

The armchair pharmacologist speaks...