Academic Irony Gifts

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

Oedipus

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

'Sigh - Yes, I will probably be dying alone.'

Campus. Professor Frump is the most respected faculty member here. All the other professors want to be noticed by him. This semester he's teaching three classes. But for some unknown reason lots of students are dropping the second one. He asked why this is happening. Hoping to impress him, sociology and economics scholars rushed to present him with their theories. I guess he should have been more specific when he questioned with the middle class is disappearing.

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

"Hi! It's me...I've gone off the rails"

'I was just checking your records, Kleinzweck, and you have a Ph.D.. in pseudoscience!'

'Ma, have you been reading my textbook?'

'We have to retract that article. One of our co-authors is the night watchman.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The armchair pharmacologist speaks...

"...he wanted it 'sexed up' before he could publish it..."

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

"Peer review is getting tougher and tougher."