Student Of Irony Gifts

'I hate it when a substitute gets teachy.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

"That's an early Vermeer, very early."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."

"Oh sure, it's easy to blame your husband, when he's not here to defend himself."

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

"I hope there's nothing genetically modified in this."

"George was only interested in mega-bytes, so I got him this rottweiler..."