Academic Irony Appreciator Gifts

"We realize you do better on your I.Q. tests than you do on anything else, but you just cannot major in I.Q."

"Where is everyone?" "You had 'everyone' killed." "Stalin family reunion"

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

Peace bomb.

"That's an early Vermeer, very early."

"No internet connection"

"I appreciate how you've protected my privacy, Doc. I'm gonna tell everybody about it on my medical rating website!"

"We're not admitting any wrong doing, but we've agreed to pay a ten Zillion dollar fine.''

'Did you know that your birthmark links to a cult group that worships cats?'

2After using the Internet all day, Brad doesn't like any kind of popup."

"I've been thinking of donating my body to science"

"His is a thought experiment."

"I've been invited to address a conference of professors of twentieth-century American literature who are sleeping with their students."

"I'm afraid I'm kind of a klutz."

'A credit card company has told us not to bother to apply. We're pre-disapproved.'

"Maybe you should have put the rescue note in the bottle rather than just floating it out to sea."

Gaugin's Great Great Grandson

'Yes, I know -- but having a terrible resume is a sort of a handicap, isn't it?'

"Everyone reading their fortunes aloud will not relieve the crushingly dull conversation."

"It's a lovely present, but when I said I liked Mona Lisa I was thinking of the record by Nat King Cole."

"I must say for a man with a morbid fear of roaming herds, you've had some damnable luck.. "

"When we came here to tell Don how much he means to us, we didn't mean on a scale of one to ten."

'So much for a simple and elegant solution.'

'Not a bad effort, but pass me my thesaurus, I'll teach you how to make plagiarism less obvious...'

Noise Pollution Symposium.

"But, dad, this will make sure I don't get saddled with college student debt."

'I know they're both World reknowned scientists, but your application with references from both your mum and your grandma is highly amusing...'

"I'd like to see you talk your way out of this."

Center for the Study of the Economic R Word.

Dean's Office. Because you're looking for a fiction writing teacher, I assumed you'd look favorably upon a creatively padded resume.

"Undecided"

Hey! I just figured out what I want to do with my life!

Smile!