Academic Hilarity Gifts

"If you upgrade this to an 'A' I think I can get you an extra $10,000."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Eureka! The key of H!"

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Books on running a successful school,