Paradox Gifts

"That's right, Mr. Jenkins, we rejected your membership application because you wrote your name on it..."

Psychic - No future.

"What kind of tomorrow is it? — I don't know, when I wake up, it's already today."

They hated me.

"Drunk, yet orderly"

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

The Physiciatrist...

WANTED Dead or Alive - Schrodinger's Cat.

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"Apparently, if you understand it, you don’t understand it."

Bumper Limos

"I hate my job and I'm terrified of losing it."

"I'm sorry son, I don't know how to answer whether today is opposite day or not."

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.'

"The good news is that you'll be immortalized in a world-famous painting. The bad news...your face is stuck like that for life!"

'I'm sure looking forward to relaxing when we get to the summit.'

'He may be a brilliant academician, but he's even dumber than the rest of us when he tries to do anything practical around the house.'

"Ok, now, let's get one of you demanding your privacy."

'The last thing he said was 'I'm going to go look up the work 'Dictionary' in the dictionary,' and then the universe kind of collapsed around him,'

'You're not really into this, are you Mahoney?'

"That was Albert. He was at a demonstration against global warming and now he's in the hospital with frostbite."

"We managed to make ends meet."

"I'd let her go, but she's so good with the kids."

Maybe we never actually do anything because we keep calling for a show of hands.

Fake ecologist

Man falling down neverending staircase.

"You shouldn't be so afraid of the dentist."

The Friendly Loan Company

"I don't care if you are the invisible man, sir, I can't let you in if you're not wearing a tie!"

'Son, you need to get your priorities wrong.'

Wanderer dropping phone above the sea of fog

"Is that your beeper or my beeper?"

"Can you turn around so we can brush?"

Thinkers Drinker.