Parenting Paradoxer Gifts

'Son, you need to get your priorities wrong.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

Coronavirus Impact on Children

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

Two children play with a pedal bin

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"What kind of tomorrow is it? — I don't know, when I wake up, it's already today."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

'My kids don't understand me.'

Baby with a full diaper 'Load Rage'

'Now there's a novel idea - babysitting your own children.'

"OK, honey, if I make this one, we blow off Delia's recital."

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.