Parenting Paradoxer Pillows

'Son, you need to get your priorities wrong.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

Coronavirus Impact on Children

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

Two children play with a pedal bin

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"What kind of tomorrow is it? — I don't know, when I wake up, it's already today."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

'My kids don't understand me.'

Baby with a full diaper 'Load Rage'

"OK, honey, if I make this one, we blow off Delia's recital."

"I used to be a stay-at-home dad. It was great until I had kids."

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'