Parenthood Paradox Pillows

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

Growth Charts

Baby Screen Time

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"We have the exact same taste."

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

A postwoman delivers mail together with her baby who is riding in the letter carrier.

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

Young Gums

'There's a planet in my book with two moons! Imagine how much howling we could do there!'

"He won't eat anything but corn."

"I noticed that since I've been working at home you've been paying me hazard pay. How did you know?"

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'

"Back when we got him, Rufus was a child substitute. Now he's just a dog."