Parenthood Paradox Pillows

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"Aah! Bless! Look at him on his I-pad!"

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"Were we expecting a baby?"

Baby Screen Time

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

Growth Charts

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"We have the exact same taste."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

"He won't eat anything but corn."

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

Young Gums

A postwoman delivers mail together with her baby who is riding in the letter carrier.

'There's a planet in my book with two moons! Imagine how much howling we could do there!'

"I noticed that since I've been working at home you've been paying me hazard pay. How did you know?"

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'