Parenting Paradox Ponderers Pillows

"The baby's nice, but it's not the narcissistic rush I thought it would be."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

'He was raised by sparrows!'

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"I couldn't find a sitter."

young mother with a baby being bombarded by advice on parenting from older mothers

Ingredients: me

Baby Philosophy.

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

Letter to God

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"I'd let her go, but she's so good with the kids."

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

'My children don't understand me and I don't understand me and I don't understand my children phobia.'

'Actually, Dad knows quite a bit about sex for a man his age.'

'Now that the kids have grown and gone I've decided to rent out their room.'