Parenting Paradox Gifts

"I'd let her go, but she's so good with the kids."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

Coronavirus Impact on Children

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

Two children play with a pedal bin

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

"OK, honey, if I make this one, we blow off Delia's recital."

"I used to be a stay-at-home dad. It was great until I had kids."

'Now there's a novel idea - babysitting your own children.'

young mother with a baby being bombarded by advice on parenting from older mothers

"I couldn't find a sitter."