Pragmatism Advocate Gifts

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Put it in writing!

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"OK, let's go to contract."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Bob's more realistic."

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

What would John Dewey say?

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Pssst! Interested in women's clothes with actual real pockets?"

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

'No, I'm not a secretary. I'm a consultant, are you a secretary?'

'It happens.'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!