Pragmatist Gifts

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

"Bob's more realistic."

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

What would John Dewey say?

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

"Always remain honest. Failing that, always remain solvent so you can afford a good lawyer."

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."