Professional Pragmatist Gifts

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Put it in writing!

'Grandpa says that, in his day, he had to walk 20 miles in the snow just to steal music.'

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

What would John Dewey say?

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

The tunnel of ulterior motives

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I think it's time we moved in together...the bank has repossessed my flat."

'I'm sorry, Walter, but marriage doesn't have portable benefits.'

"Money makes the world go 'round, huh?"

Pre-nuptial Agreement: 'Hang on, I'll carry you over the threshold next.'