Party Pragmatist Gifts

'George has a new job - in Effective Communication'

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

'This hand puppet is ambidextrous. It can be used on either hand.'

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

"Bob's more realistic."

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

What would John Dewey say?

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"That's pork - the meat of the pig. It makes an excellent substitute for tofu."

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."