Devout Pragmatists Gifts

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

Put it in writing!

'Grandpa says that, in his day, he had to walk 20 miles in the snow just to steal music.'

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

What would John Dewey say?

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

The tunnel of ulterior motives

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."