Love Pragmatist Gifts

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"OK, let's go to contract."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

What would John Dewey say?

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

"Bob's more realistic."

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"Pssst! Interested in women's clothes with actual real pockets?"

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

The tunnel of ulterior motives

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

William James

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I think it's time we moved in together...the bank has repossessed my flat."

"Shirley, will you marry me?"

'I'm sorry, Walter, but marriage doesn't have portable benefits.'

Pre-nuptial Agreement: 'Hang on, I'll carry you over the threshold next.'

'Darling...a prenup how wonderful!'

'George has a new job - in Effective Communication'

"Did he sin?"

'I might be more receptive to your marriage, proposal, Bob, if you didn't refer to it as a takeover bid.'