Happy Pragmatist Gifts

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

Drive-thru Church

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Put it in writing!

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

What would John Dewey say?

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"Pssst! Interested in women's clothes with actual real pockets?"

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

'Santa, snow is falling!'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

The tunnel of ulterior motives