Cheerful Pragmatist Gifts

'She flunked me, but I plea-bargained my way up to a C-plus!'

Drive-thru Church

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

Put it in writing!

"Room for bigger presents!"

Nice Old Ladies Tend to Look at the Bright Side of Things: 'As kids my brother and I took turns beating each other up!' 'Well, I think it's wonderful when kids take turns!'

"OK, let's go to contract."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

'Showed me up you did, the only one politely applauding and wearing a tie!'

You can stand under my umbrella.

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Santa, snow is falling!'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."

The Joy of Procreational Sex

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

The tunnel of ulterior motives

'I'm sorry, Miller, but we have to let you go. Your relentless 'can-do' optimism is driving us all nuts.' 'I'm bowled over! Thanks for this exciting new opportunity, chief!' 'You're welcome. I'm sure you'll make us all very proud of you.'

"Well, everything's going great! I guess it's time to bring in the naysayers."

"Here's to even lower expectations in the New Year."

'I'm sorry, Walter, but marriage doesn't have portable benefits.'

Christmas - Let's get it over with.