Cheerful Pragmatist Pillows

"I'm going to close my eyes and count to three. When I open them, ten of those candles better be gone."

'She flunked me, but I plea-bargained my way up to a C-plus!'

Drive-thru Church

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

The Death Star gets a marketing makeover.

Put it in writing!

"Room for bigger presents!"

Nice Old Ladies Tend to Look at the Bright Side of Things: 'As kids my brother and I took turns beating each other up!' 'Well, I think it's wonderful when kids take turns!'

"OK, let's go to contract."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

You can stand under my umbrella.

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

'Showed me up you did, the only one politely applauding and wearing a tie!'

"Pssst! Interested in women's clothes with actual real pockets?"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Santa, snow is falling!'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

The Joy of Procreational Sex

The tunnel of ulterior motives

"Well, everything's going great! I guess it's time to bring in the naysayers."

'I'm sorry, Miller, but we have to let you go. Your relentless 'can-do' optimism is driving us all nuts.' 'I'm bowled over! Thanks for this exciting new opportunity, chief!' 'You're welcome. I'm sure you'll make us all very proud of you.'

"Here's to even lower expectations in the New Year."

'I'm sorry, Walter, but marriage doesn't have portable benefits.'

"I think it's time we moved in together...the bank has repossessed my flat."