Relationship Pragmatist Gifts

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Your wonderful daughter and I would like to become engaged in F.Y. '97, married in F.Y. '98, and if the numbers look good, start a family in F.Y. '99."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

The best financial decision I ever made.

"You owe me five bucks."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"...until death do you a favor."

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Harold, you've changed."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'