Family Pragmatist Gifts

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

Drive-thru Church

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

'Except...That.'

Put it in writing!

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

'It's our 10 year plan.'

'Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy but what I really want is power of attorney!!

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

'I'm married with five children.' - 'Sorry, we're looking for someone with sound judgement.'

'Ask your father first, dear, then we'll plan our strategy.'

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

'He's my father and I say we dump him pricate...!'

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"I get the new phone, Timmy gets my phone, Annie gets his phone, Bobby gets her phone and you get his phone, dad, and you get to pay for it all."

"You call yourself a pest removal expert? Well, my son is still living in my basement."

'Okay, Mum said no, but if we can get to Dad before she has time to brief him, we could still turn this into a yes.'

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

'I'd call it a conversion.'

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Looks like it'll be a little while before I assume the family CEO position."

'This is the only way they'll listen to me.'

"Where there's a will...there are relatives!"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."