Family Pragmatist Pillows

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

'Except...That.'

Put it in writing!

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."

'It's our 10 year plan.'

'Sure raising my allowance is great, daddy but what I really want is power of attorney!!

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

'I'm married with five children.' - 'Sorry, we're looking for someone with sound judgement.'

"I get the new phone, Timmy gets my phone, Annie gets his phone, Bobby gets her phone and you get his phone, dad, and you get to pay for it all."

"You call yourself a pest removal expert? Well, my son is still living in my basement."

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

With gas prices soaring, many stations have begun posting EMS teams next to their pumps.

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

'Ask your father first, dear, then we'll plan our strategy.'

'He's my father and I say we dump him pricate...!'

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

'Okay, Mum said no, but if we can get to Dad before she has time to brief him, we could still turn this into a yes.'

'I'd call it a conversion.'

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Looks like it'll be a little while before I assume the family CEO position."

Where did you hide my laptop? Hint: You'll never find it. So obvious, dad. Under his dirty laundry. No chores all week if you don't tell.

'This is the only way they'll listen to me.'

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."