Pragmatic Gifts

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

'Bless this food, and protect us from the pesticides and additives therein.'

"I don't wear jewelry, but cash is nice."

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"OK, let's go to contract."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

What would John Dewey say?

"Bob's more realistic."

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

"I married for love." "I divorced for money."

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

STRIP Hambone: Stolen laptops

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."