Pragmatic Present Gifts

"Oh, boy. Q-tips."

I want a calendar where every day says here and now

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

'The old one fell apart.'

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'I see things starting to break your way. Your computer will break down. Your car will break down...'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"OK, let's go to contract."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"I married for love." "I divorced for money."

'The good news is that it's only flat at the bottom.'

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

Great Expectations - Managing Expectations

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

"Yes, this is a used coffin. My brother was a car dealer."

STRIP Hambone: Stolen laptops

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Rememeber Son, money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants"

"What this place needs is a hydro-electric dam" "A glass of water would be nice"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'It happens.'

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"Always remain honest. Failing that, always remain solvent so you can afford a good lawyer."

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."