Pragmatic Realist Gifts

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Drive-thru Church

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

Inbox and Outbox

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

"The bad news is that we've had to cut most of the services. . . The good news is that we can now tell people in 23 languages what we don't do anymore!"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"I can be perfect for only one hour a day."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

We have control of you brain.

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Management doesn't think we have a staffing problem...Apparently all we need to do is to use our imagination.'

Put it in writing!

The Dungeon

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

"It breaks my heart to see you stressed out here at work, so you're fired."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"OK, let's go to contract."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

'I tried for a new lease on life, but I got a lousy credit report.'

"You can be anything!". . . "Take whatever you can get."