Pragmatic Thinkers Gifts

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

Drive-thru Church

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

"How is it gendered?"

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

Vote Progressive: 'It's not the rich, it's people trying to get rich who create new jobs!'

'Remember the old days, when all of this was phallocentric?'

'We're looking for a CEO who would be willing to take the rap.'

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

Republicans Refuse To Raise The Glass Ceilings

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

'Corporations Sitting on a Mountain of Cash, and they're not Hiring!'

"Well, we've finally miniaturized this device as much as is practical. Time to make it big again."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

'In a five to four decision today, the Supreme Court picked social justice over regular justice.'

"Whatever happened to traditional marriages? There they are...on national television...with millions of people watching...two women getting married! And they're both wearing blue jeans!"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"I'll bet that in a few years, gender won't be a wedge issue like it is today!"

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

"We've concluded that an alarming percentage of the population are experiencing involuntary eye-rolling at the word 'inclusion'."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

"He's a very alternative vicar - he's installed wind chimes.'

Randi Rhodes

"I guess "heterosexual backwoodsmen" doesn't have the same ring to it."

"It's very sensitive of you to realize that men like to get flowers!"

Put it in writing!