Pragmatic Thinkers Gifts

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

Joined at the hipster.

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Drive-thru Church

"How is it gendered?"

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

Vote Progressive: 'It's not the rich, it's people trying to get rich who create new jobs!'

'Remember the old days, when all of this was phallocentric?'

'We're looking for a CEO who would be willing to take the rap.'

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

Republicans Refuse To Raise The Glass Ceilings

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

I channeled John Dewey. He says if you want to be a good teacher, don't teach reading and writing. Teach students.

'Corporations Sitting on a Mountain of Cash, and they're not Hiring!'

"Well, we've finally miniaturized this device as much as is practical. Time to make it big again."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

"Whatever happened to traditional marriages? There they are...on national television...with millions of people watching...two women getting married! And they're both wearing blue jeans!"

"I'll bet that in a few years, gender won't be a wedge issue like it is today!"

George Santayana

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'In a five to four decision today, the Supreme Court picked social justice over regular justice.'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"We've concluded that an alarming percentage of the population are experiencing involuntary eye-rolling at the word 'inclusion'."

"He's a very alternative vicar - he's installed wind chimes.'

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

Randi Rhodes

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

Leftie Trump

"It's very sensitive of you to realize that men like to get flowers!"

"I guess "heterosexual backwoodsmen" doesn't have the same ring to it."