Practical Thinkers Gifts

He used to be romantic, but he's become much more practical.

"Hang on, if our life expectancy is 3 months and winter is 8 months away, why should I waste my time storing food for winter?"

"I think someone's trying to play games with us."

Joined at the hipster.

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

"In the current market, it's just more practical."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Grandma was very innovative in her ideas!

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

'We're looking for a CEO who would be willing to take the rap.'

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

"Forget it – we're not buying some expensive sex robot for it to end up unused in the garage with the massaging armchair and the rowing machine."

The Use of Cavalry

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

The girl with the sensible shoes.

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

George Santayana

"Whatever happened to traditional marriages? There they are...on national television...with millions of people watching...two women getting married! And they're both wearing blue jeans!"

'I inherited therefore I am'

'Bugger! My brain's just pulled a hammy.'

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

"I need out-of-the-box thinking with off-the-shelf practicality."

'I can use surgery to restore your sex drive. Do you want the £3000 operation or the £4000 one?' - 'I'd rather have a new kitchen.'

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

Leftie Trump

"If you can't beat them, sir, perhaps you should consider colluding with them."

Chess player painting all the pieces his colour.

'Ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go right?'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.