Practical Thinker Gifts

'Go get someone from accounting to kill this damn excitement.'

'My advice, keep the oil, change the car.'

'And if I agreed, what sort of means would we be living within?'

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Not Such A Fool As He Looks.

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

"I wasn't smart enough for college. So instead of a diploma and a quarter million of debt all I've got is a growing plumbing business and a steady income."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"Personally, I'm a doer."

"I think someone's trying to play games with us."

"In the current market, it's just more practical."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

"How is it gendered?"

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

Grandma was very innovative in her ideas!

Vote Progressive: 'It's not the rich, it's people trying to get rich who create new jobs!'

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

'Remember the old days, when all of this was phallocentric?'

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

'We're looking for a CEO who would be willing to take the rap.'

"Forget it – we're not buying some expensive sex robot for it to end up unused in the garage with the massaging armchair and the rowing machine."

Republicans Refuse To Raise The Glass Ceilings

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

I channeled John Dewey. He says if you want to be a good teacher, don't teach reading and writing. Teach students.

The Use of Cavalry

'Corporations Sitting on a Mountain of Cash, and they're not Hiring!'

"Well, we've finally miniaturized this device as much as is practical. Time to make it big again."

"I advise a slow, steady stream of lawsuits to weaken your enemies resistance. We call it time release litigation."

"I'll bet that in a few years, gender won't be a wedge issue like it is today!"

The girl with the sensible shoes.

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"