Personnel Managers Gifts

"My name? Is this a 'Gotcha' question?"

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"Morning, all!"

'Hey, look, I can stand up and shout, too!'

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Why do you need so many computers?

Check zombies.

'I told you hard work would pay off in the third grade, Cate...You've had three job offers.'

Targets.

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

"You took that news with dignity and grace. I really wanted you to spaz out."

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

Mentors guide you through the maze.

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

"Carl, let me start off by saying I'm prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt and treat you as a full-fledged human being."

Information. Innuendo

"Did you read this report? The average member of staff takes 19 minutes for lunch!"

'We want you to take the hindmost.'

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

'The good news is that from now on I belong to a very rare species. There aren't many personnel managers who create their own pink slip.'