Personnel Coordinator Gifts

'Nobody turned up to the 'effective communications' seminar...they didn't get our memo.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Targets.

'I told you hard work would pay off in the third grade, Cate...You've had three job offers.'

Mentors guide you through the maze.

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

'The good news is that from now on I belong to a very rare species. There aren't many personnel managers who create their own pink slip.'

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

Your resume says you were a waiter...

"Carl, let me start off by saying I'm prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt and treat you as a full-fledged human being."

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

'If he has a pulse, hire him!'

"John and Sidney work in human relations."

"I hope it indicates a quick promotion."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Oh, as long as he needs you, Santa's a great guy. But once things slow down and he wants a little vacation time with Mrs. C., it's 'goodbye North Pole, hello crappy temp job!'"

STRIP *Community Care * Squeezing it all in before lunch

'Salary requirement? -- Just keep me out of the top two percent.'

"It has come to my attention that you may have been somewhat less than forthcoming in your résumé."

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

'As a member of our great company family, my pink slip was signed with 'Yours Aunt Anny, personnel manager''.

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

'Mr Smith, when we contracted you to headhunt the CEO of a multinational company...'