Personnel Management Gifts

Skills and experience held back by bureaucracy and protocols.

Targets.

'That's Mike... He's on a strict 'need to no' basis.'

'You've got to give it to Jim, there's nothing he won't do for his customers.'

"If you talk to any of my previous employers, you might hear some utter nonsense about what they like to call my 'issue with authority!'"

"Carl, let me start off by saying I'm prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt and treat you as a full-fledged human being."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"Morning, all!"

'Hey, look, I can stand up and shout, too!'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Counting part time employees is the new math.

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Check zombies.

Why do you need so many computers?

"You took that news with dignity and grace. I really wanted you to spaz out."

'I told you hard work would pay off in the third grade, Cate...You've had three job offers.'

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

Mentors guide you through the maze.

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"