Personnel Department Gifts

'You'll never be able to fill my place, you know.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

"Morning, all!"

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Check zombies.

Why do you need so many computers?

"You took that news with dignity and grace. I really wanted you to spaz out."

Targets.

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

'I told you hard work would pay off in the third grade, Cate...You've had three job offers.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Mentors guide you through the maze.

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

Your resume says you were a waiter...

'The good news is that from now on I belong to a very rare species. There aren't many personnel managers who create their own pink slip.'

'You'll be broadening up your horizons in a cubicle.'

"Did you read this report? The average member of staff takes 19 minutes for lunch!"

"Carl, let me start off by saying I'm prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt and treat you as a full-fledged human being."

Information. Innuendo

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"I hope it indicates a quick promotion."

Appointments and Disappointments

"John and Sidney work in human relations."