Personnel Department Specialist Gifts

'We don't settle for second best... And Bleargh here is the best in the galaxy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Staff support"

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

We should take a break. Ron's eyes have turned into spinning rainbow wheels.

How leaders fail

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Outer Space Outsourcing

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

"Morning, all!"

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

'What's wrong now?'

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

The Evolution of the Bonus

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Ok, here's the meeting agenda ... it's gonna be a long one.'