Parental Irony Pillows

"I only grown them because her mother's allergic to them."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

The Mothership

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'Sorry, Dad. My offensive lineman says I don't have to go to bed yet.'

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

'Fathers Day.'

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

Free Baby. Lily decides turnabout is fair play.

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"Ask not for whom the baby cries; it cries for thee. Specifically, thee’s milk."

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.