Parental Irony T-Shirts

"I only grown them because her mother's allergic to them."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

The Mothership

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

'Sorry, Dad. My offensive lineman says I don't have to go to bed yet.'

'Fathers Day.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"Ask not for whom the baby cries; it cries for thee. Specifically, thee’s milk."

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'