Parental Irony Enthusiasts Pillows

'We're totally against smacking but not adverse to 'moderate punishment.''

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

End the Winter Blues

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

'Fathers Day.'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"Stop following me! I taught you all that I know."

"You claimed I was getting on your last nerve. Having only one nerve left sounds serious, so I called an ambulance."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

'We lease the children, of course!'

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

'My dad is a CEO - don't trust him!'

Motherly bird

"So, paternity leave problem solved then?"

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

"Mom says Time Out should teach me a valuable lesson. I guess it's 'don't get caught.'"

"If you'd wanted me to be successful you should have set a better example."