Parental Irony Enthusiasts Gifts

'We're totally against smacking but not adverse to 'moderate punishment.''

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

End the Winter Blues

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'Fathers Day.'

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"Stop following me! I taught you all that I know."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

'We lease the children, of course!'

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

"You claimed I was getting on your last nerve. Having only one nerve left sounds serious, so I called an ambulance."

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

"So, paternity leave problem solved then?"

If the British had been the first to see the Grand Canyon.

Motherly bird

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

'My dad is a CEO - don't trust him!'