Parental Humor Enthusiasts Pillows

"According to this, we just keep it alive until it can take care of itself—between seventeen and forty-five years."

'You're old enough to know now, Son — your mother and I are weirdos.'

Child being force fed a spoon of medicine

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Asking how the baby is...'

'He may look healthy on the outside, but he's clearly suffering from Attention deficit disorder.'

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

Kids eat free

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"I need to know who started it."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Time for bed, guys."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

Chilly baby.

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

"I'm SO lazy, I married a pregnant woman. . . !"

'Please tell me I'm adopted.'

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

'I did tell you there were speed bumps in this via.'

'What are you in for?'

Ultra Sound/Downloading.

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

Young Godzilla.