Parental Humor Enthusiasts Pillows

"According to this, we just keep it alive until it can take care of itself—between seventeen and forty-five years."

'You're old enough to know now, Son — your mother and I are weirdos.'

Child being force fed a spoon of medicine

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Asking how the baby is...'

'He may look healthy on the outside, but he's clearly suffering from Attention deficit disorder.'

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

Kids eat free

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

The Poky Little Pupa.

"I need to know who started it."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

"Hey, Mom! Check it out! Dad converted his gardo paints to passenger pants!"

Sperm Whale.

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Time for bed, guys."

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

Chilly baby.

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

'Please tell me I'm adopted.'

"I'm SO lazy, I married a pregnant woman. . . !"