Parental Humor Fan Pillows

Army trying to recruit a yet to be born child.

"You weren't so hung up on my chastity."

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the colostrum?"

"Typical. We spend weeks searching for the perfect box and he spends the whole day playing with the toy."

'Hello? Roadside assistance? Yes, can you please send someone?'

'Yes, it was 'Take Your Child To Work Day,' but you weren't supposed to leave him there!'

"You cheated on the assignment and got an A? Glad to see you've learned a useful life skill."

'Pack your things we're moving.'

'It says 'Take 3 tablets a day'. More helpfully it says 'Keep away from children'...'

'I know you called me ten minutes ago! That's when I started coming up...'

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

Suffering from Cooties?

"I need to know who started it."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Time for bed, guys."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

Chilly baby.

Therapy for babies.

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

'I did tell you there were speed bumps in this via.'

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'