Parental Humor Lover Pillows

"Let me guess -- first child?"

"It wasn't our first choice of schools, but we had a Groupon for it, so what the hell."

"Your mom is a little overprotective, isn't she?"

"I'll gather. Oog will hunt. And you'll invent daycare."

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

"Race ya."

'Well, are you wearing clean underwear or not?'

Having a child who missed three assemblies wasn't enough to win respect from the hardmen of prison block 'd'.

5 children at Doctors surgery with Le Creuset pots stuck on their head

The terrible 2's. It was an awful stage.

'Don't think of them as bad grades - think of them as sobering statistics.'

"It's really nice to see you finally putting some effort into your homework young man."

"I don't know where babies come from, son, ask your google."

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

"You're gonna be the man of the house now-you need to protect your mother and sister."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"I need to know who started it."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

Chilly baby.

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'