Parental Humor Lovers Pillows

"Your child gives one hundred percent effort each week, but at the rate of twenty percent per day."

"You kids think Tea Tree oil grows on trees?? Tea trees?? Well, you're wrong!! It's extracted from the leaves of trees in the family myrtaceae, bred in the plantations of New South Wales!!!"

'You kids stop your bleating or I'll give you something to bleat about.'

'This one is the Andy door honey.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

The Poky Little Pupa.

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"I need to know who started it."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Hey, Mom! Check it out! Dad converted his gardo paints to passenger pants!"

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Time for bed, guys."

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

Sperm Whale.

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Chilly baby.

Mom dwarves.

'Please tell me I'm adopted.'

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'

'I did tell you there were speed bumps in this via.'