Parental Humor Lovers Pillows

"Your child gives one hundred percent effort each week, but at the rate of twenty percent per day."

"You kids think Tea Tree oil grows on trees?? Tea trees?? Well, you're wrong!! It's extracted from the leaves of trees in the family myrtaceae, bred in the plantations of New South Wales!!!"

'You kids stop your bleating or I'll give you something to bleat about.'

'This one is the Andy door honey.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

"I need to know who started it."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"Time for bed, guys."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

Chilly baby.

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

"I'm SO lazy, I married a pregnant woman. . . !"

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'