Ownership Gifts

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

Man to realtor: 'How much for a starter cubicle?'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"Well, I'm sad for Gloria...she's gonna be bummed out when I'm twice as successful as she is."

"I'd better enjoy this while I can. It's the only home I'll own without a mortgage!"

"I see you've security marked your property."

'When he comes through that door, let's all jump up and give him a big kiss!'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"But there's no way in hell I could afford Jupiter today."

'Gerald, it's so nice to see you finally getting closer to your employees.'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

The Cat's Alarm Clock

'Behind every great business deal is a company lawyer advising against it.'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

"I'm looking forward to the next thirty five years of her living with us."

"DID YOU SEND THIS?"

"The pH level seems a little off."

Green Energy used to power polluting industries

"I'm afraid you neglected to submit the proper development permit application."

'Someday son, all this will be yours to argue with the Environmental Protection Agency over.'

'The bad news is the Big Bad Wolf is coming. The good news is I've got some great rates on Homeowner's Insurance!'

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

'It says, please disregard this reminder if your payment has already been sent.'

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

"Someday, son, all this will be yours..."

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

Stan believes in calling a spade a spade.

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."