Nail Novice Gifts

The neames of hardware items are often hard to remember...'I'm looking for a box of metallic pins about 1 inch long and with a pointed tip with a sort of circular surface?' 'Nails! Aisle 2B'

'I think we should look into a smaller hammer and bigger nails for your next do-it-yourself project'

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

Today we learned to count to one.

"Sorry, but I don't know how to tie a Reef Knot. Give me a simple project, like building a computer."

'Don't try to turn tail and run. That's just what they want.'

'Have you got one of those things you use to knock nails in...?'

Brad Pitt.

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."

'I grow all our tomatoes. I grow all our spinach. All you do is complain about the cost of my twice weekly manicures.'

Look, dork, I won't ask again. Will you help me use a computer? Maybe. What for? Internet Scrabble. I hear it is possible to play – what is the word? Online? I should like to send data over cyberspace. Through cyberspace.

'I hope it's okay -- the cookbook had some really confusing abbreviations.'

DO IT YOURSELF - Four new jobs we'll all have to do ourselves

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'So this is a kitchen!'

'I'd join Twitter, but I'm worried I'll make a hash of it.'

'You may well, Ms. Ferris, one day write a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' bonkbuster, but today your account is one shade of red.'

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

The not-so-living wall

Pandemic Orphans

"I try not to be picky, but this meal is a bit too sticky!"

"I said I wanted to go to Stacey's Nail Bar."

Carole Jean's First "Big Girl" Heels

I really hope the agent likes my submission... - '' - 'This is perfect.' - '' - 'Absolutley perfect.'

'Exactly which school of acupuncture are you from?'

'You just continue to grow.'

"I've discovered I don't have a head for figures."

'I think your 10 o' clock appointment's arrived.'

"Pedicure is booming, but manicure is dead."

"You're right, Mister Fixit, we don't need a plumber. You'll have the tub fixed in no time."

Sick wife teaches husband to use can-opener

'See what happens when you bite your nails.'

If I learn how to write Roman Numerals, will that help me write computer code?

'Hereafter you sew your own buttons on your suits of armor. This is the tenth needle I've ruined tonight.'