Number Novice Gifts

Today we learned to count to one.

IRS: File Tax Returns Here At Your Own Risk

"I've discovered I don't have a head for figures."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"First time pruning?"

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

Please buzz off. That's my flower!

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

Gloat

Staff Yearbook

'According to our fact finding committee, our stock won't be worth a dime this quarter.'

'The deficit doesn't look nearly so bad now that we've switched to Arabic numerals.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

Teacher: 'As an adult you'll probably only use a quarter of what you're taught at school - which brings us to fractions.'

An Everyday Explanation of the Federal Budget.

"Yo, this should be a two."

"The hardest to convert are inches to centimeters."

Warning: Math Ahead!

"Mine's bigger than yours."

'And you'll be pleased to notice, sir, that we had to eliminate the top of the chart.'

I often thought that I should have been a weaver of words,someone who danced and sang his way into peoples souls and through my imagination led others into a world of dreams and intoxicating revelry...But auditing offered a much better pension.

"I'm surprised, Caswell. I thought you were a happy camper."

'But if you need someone for the intangibles...'

"Amazing deduction, Holmes!"

'Professor Higgenbottom will have the number π and I'll have the number √-i.'

"I'm doing all I can to make the little things count."

Reign Man

"The Treasury is fairly sure that the figures in the budget are correct, they might just not be in the right order!"

The United States Public Debt.

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."