Mom-to-be Jokers Pillows

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

Dad Trophies

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'Did you find any clothes?'

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

Possible Titles For My Upcoming Autobiography

Maternity ward (door sign.. push push).

'Would you like your ultrasound photos standard, high definition, 3-D, or 4K ultra HD?'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

Open other end

"I can't continue working these hours...I feel as though I'm missing Michael's childhood...." "His name's Mark!"

"I'm sorry Perkins,but that's one option for childbirth we won't be using."

Some blind dates work out just fine.

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

'I sentence you to hard labor.'

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

How Moms Explain

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Warning: No over-taking in birth canal.

Kevin began to suspect that his Mother was colourblind.

"Everything looks fine. Now, let's check the baby's FICO score."

Big book of daft names for kids.

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'

Maternity Ward - 'I wonder what his credit rating is...'

Easy birth ATM

"You're what?!"