Mom-to-be Jokers Gifts

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

Dad Trophies

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

'Did you find any clothes?'

Possible Titles For My Upcoming Autobiography

Maternity ward (door sign.. push push).

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

Open other end

'Would you like your ultrasound photos standard, high definition, 3-D, or 4K ultra HD?'

"I can't continue working these hours...I feel as though I'm missing Michael's childhood...." "His name's Mark!"

"I'm sorry Perkins,but that's one option for childbirth we won't be using."

Some blind dates work out just fine.

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

How Moms Explain

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

'I sentence you to hard labor.'

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Big book of daft names for kids.

Kevin began to suspect that his Mother was colourblind.

"Everything looks fine. Now, let's check the baby's FICO score."

Warning: No over-taking in birth canal.

Maternity Ward - 'I wonder what his credit rating is...'

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'

'A young boxer'.

Easy birth ATM