Mom Jokester Pillows

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

How Moms Explain

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

Raised by Dogs

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

Dad Trophies

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

The Mothership

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

Tree's Tree Nursery. Get this. Dad is selling those goofy upside-down tomato planters. What idiot would buy them? Thanks! I'll let you know how it works! My idiotic bio teacher.

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

I'd like to donate to your theater, but

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'