Modern Family Jokester Pillows

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

Raised by Dogs

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

Your Message on Your T-Shirt: 'Do As You Are Told!'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

Onion operation.

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

Baby cries into a cellphone.

Tree's Tree Nursery. Get this. Dad is selling those goofy upside-down tomato planters. What idiot would buy them? Thanks! I'll let you know how it works! My idiotic bio teacher.

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

God bless our home equity line of credit.

I'd like to donate to your theater, but

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

Son to Father, "So dad, tell me, have you ever larged it!"

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

"You're getting more wrinklier, grandpa. You should drink more water."

"Sure, my dad and my granddad and my granddad's dad were all domesticated. But that doesn't mean I have to be."