Modern Family Jokester Pillows

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Raised by Dogs

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

Your Message on Your T-Shirt: 'Do As You Are Told!'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

Onion operation.

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

God bless our home equity line of credit.

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

Baby cries into a cellphone.

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

Son to Father, "So dad, tell me, have you ever larged it!"

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

Mom $50 Pop $35

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

'But, Mom - I am watering the garden just like you told me!'