Modern Jokester Pillows

'Sure, Bob, now I remember you. I'm bad with names but I never forget a jpeg.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"You idiots … we lost!"

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

'What, not even a kiss first?'